Friday, November 16, 2007
10:33 PM
It took me quite a while to decide if I should stay in Pioneer, I was the only one or perhaps the first Jyian to ever step foot to the grounds of this newly established college. It is gonna take courage to face the whole new environment. Unlike my other friends who are in JJ, though they have different subject combination, they still get the chance to see each other? at least, they know they're not alone, alone in this big new world. After 9 months in this school, my frantic search for a soul mate came to a stop. It was a hard search. There were times when i doubted my own classmates, asking questions like " Will they stick by me through thick and thin?" " will they be there to guide and correct my mistakes, to give me encouragement? will they?" I couldn't be blame,can i? I mean, just look at myself now, alone. On the surface and at one glance, i might be happy with my life here in peejay, but is that really the case? When i hear of friends going out with their secondary school friends, i began to wonder? will i ever get the chance again? or did i just missed out the opportunity, one that i know will never come a second time again. Did i took my old friends for granted? did i bother to maintain the friendship? or did i let time take the better of us, let time, slowly and unknowingly pull us apart. I was telling Hui mei a few days ago that i felt ever since i left church, I've lost the "emo" me. I've lost the Andrew that tears easily, I've lost the Andrew that will go the extra mile for a friend, I've lost the Andrew that enjoys having little chats with friends in Mac Cafe. He's gone. ran away.I don't know if the songs I'm listening now is the mastermind, but I just felt a sudden gush of remorse, loneliness,fear,insecurity, just like the wind, beating against my head, against my heart.Is the life I'm living now the one that I used to have? Was it the one filled with confidence, with hope for life, faith for a better tomorrow, one that is with destiny with a clear goal in mind. I'll be taking my A's next year and I'm pretty sure that I will do well in fact, very well. But is that all to life? Is life all about getting good grades, getting into our dream schools?I cannot answer that question or rather, do not wish to think about it. Sometimes I feel very sad for myself because after 4 years in secondary school and 9 months in college, how confident can i be to say that i have friends that i can trust? friends that i will die for? friends that i will go the extra mile for him or her. does the problem lies with me? or them?Who is to judge? who is to blame? It is not that I don not want him to come to the party but come to think of it, is it worth the money? am i sowing seeds to good grounds? The problem with him is that he don't bother to listen to me, he chooses to blame me and jump into conclusion every time a problem arises. so what am i suppose to do? bow my head and apologise? beg him to befriend me again? Did he ever thought that every time we quarrelled..i was the one who silently suffer and have to be the first to apologise, that kind of feeling sucks because he has everyone on his side. he called the shots.did the schools we are in right now made a difference? will life be better if all of us were in poly? or were these issues unnecessary because everything was not meant to be like this, even from the start.
